What happens when you don’t love yourself

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Pretty long title and a very important topic which I was thinking about for quite some time but didn’t get any idea till now.

I am a super negative and a ill humored self critical idiot,phew may be that much praise is enough,its damn true.

I don’t love myself,I think its other’s responsibility to keep me happy,I always think that people should have a smile plastered over their faces while talking to me and should always have a right ‘tone’ while talking to me and should not ask any doubts about my capabilities.

Its like I want everyone to have a wireless connection with me,they should know how to treat me without me telling,they should not get angry with me,question me or tell me that I am wrong. 

I can’t bear all that and I am kind of always blaming people around me for my angry irritated mood,I have fights and petty arguments with mom all the time and almost every other day am rehearsing dialogues I am going to say to her and give her a revelation that she is wrong,for which I feel she should be thankful to me,pretty lame isn’t it,now while writing only do I realize.

The problem is not mom or her mood or her non smiling face or the tone,my ears and eyes and mouth actually my mind has gone bad.

Loving ourselves doesn’t mean feeding and clothing and decorating ourselves which we mostly associate as loving ourselves. It runs deeper the thoughts we won’t think for others we think for ourselves,

We won’t call a chubby person even chubby but call ourselves FAT

We won’t judge people based on their skin colour or their past experiences but we do that to ourselves.

Even if someone fails we try to encourage them and give them ample time to bounce back we don’t do it with ourselves.

We have esteem towards others we treat others respectfully but self criticize ourselves and use the meanest words.

In all this I realised I have not learnt loving myself,loving myself doesn’t mean I turn blind to my faults or that I pretend to accept myself fully, it means I don’t hold other’s responsible for my moods,if my mum doesn’t smile while talking I should do it,simple as that

If I don’t like the ‘tone’ maybe I should talk in a tone I would love hearing.

If I love myself I will take care of my health nobody needs to remind me to gives sweets a miss or to drink more water

I shouldn’t expect people around to always remind me that I am beautiful to feel beautiful,neither should I deny it when I am being complimented

I should believe in my God given gifts and should always expect the best for myself

Our family members are not sales persons to always smile and talk, they have a life of their own and have their own problems should not forget that.

The satisfaction and the change we look for, in others are actually the things we are lacking and it’s a warning that we need to change…problem is not in others its in us.

We should not let others steal our peace,joy and confidence. We should always try to be the person we want others to be for us and then slowly we would see things change people change but the thing is we changed. 

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A helping hand

I don’t think any of us will openly accept help, we all want to help someone but when it comes to taking help, we usually are a little wary of it. In the past few days I had to rely on my very close family friends for help with admissions in a university and even for going around a city. I felt so grateful for their love and care at the same time I felt a bit of shame sometimes and a bit of guilt because without them I felt completely paralysed in the environment I was in.

But then I realised that I would have done the same for them if they eve needed my help. Isn’t that something, that we always want to assume the magnanimous role of the generous helper but not the role of the one being helped.

While it is written in bible that that it more blessed to give than receive,and yes it feels a lot better to give help than to take it, we often forget that we are dependent on others no matter how independent we ever feel we are.

Human interaction is based on constant giving and taking. Without it there will be no relationships to talk of. So I decided that instead of feeling small and incompetent while taking help I will enjoy the love and concern people have for me and in turn I will spread that love to others…without taking help we cannot give any one a helping hand,because without ever feeling the need for help we would never know what others need..

Life involves taking help as much as helping others and instead of guilt or shame we should develop a sense of gratitude and thankfulness…it will make life sweeter,our burdens lighter and us a lot better.